A Divine Christmas Comedy
by Bustahead
Summary: As far as I know, the first fic of 2006. It's my first fic of 2006 anyway. A parody of A Christmas Carol, Dante is less than pleased as Christmas Day approaches...
1. Chapter 1

**_Disclaimer: Dante, Trish, Vergil, Lucia, Lady, Arius, Jester and Mundus do not belong to me. They belong to Capcom. Reiko and Arson and all others who have never been in any of the games all belong to me. And I am free to torture them as I so please. BWAHAHA!_**

_**And no, Lilo and Stitch does not belong to me but I think it's a good film to watch at Christmas for some odd reason.**_

_**No characters were harmed during the production of this fic. Howevery my tendon was pulled in my left wrist.**_

_**Never cross a pissy vampire.**_

_**I'm joking.**_

_**But it's still a good idea not to.**_

**Just a note to say that this is one hell of a long read, so I'm going to try and make this easier for everyone by splitting it up into smaller pieces or rather, chapters. It was originally going to be a one shot but I just couldn't end it so quickly somehow. Also, this takes place after the events of Devil May Cry 2. **

**I have to apologize but they demanded to be included. Hence Arson and Reiko, my two original characters, are also in this fic, though they don't really play that huge a role. Compromise for those who hate OCs, and for those who love OCs. **

**Also, leave me alone, this fic is OOC! OOC! HUGELY OUT OF CHARACTER! Vergil for example is one mean brute who doesn't understand the concept of giving people Christmas presents, as you shall soon see.**

**I've tried to make this fic as enjoyable for _everyone_ as it was a joy for me to write it.**

**Thus, I've tried to cater to the tastes of those who love OCs, hate OCs, love yaoi, hate yaoi, love Dante/Vergil pairings, hate Dante/Vergil pairings. You get the relative picture.**

**Also, I have nothing against little old ladies, or "A Christmas Carol" or Lucia. I have nothing against anyone or anything, I've simply used anything and everything I can think of and just shoved it all into here in a huge bubble and squeak of a fic.**

**So now it comes to the main event. I bring to you the unlikely combination of angst and comedy. Serious style writing, with a tinge of humour, or humorous writing with a bucketful of angst. Or something. Geh…**

**Hope you all like this fic!**

**And please, lend your support. I worked really hard on this with everyone in mind. (grins)**

**I have to thank my friends for being by my side for the whole of the last year 2005.**

**So now, on the 1st January, I bring you my very first fic of the year. Exciting, right? Also, any person that gives me a review can also request a fic from me. Any pairing, any style. **

**Just a small reward for supporting me throughout my time at the site. And a small reward for giving me reviews for my first fic of 2006. If I get any reviews that is. **

**Meh.**

**Read, review if you want to…**

**But most importantly, friends…**

_**Enjoy.**_

**Chapter 1 – We Three Things of a Funny Farm**

The time of Advent had arrived, and it seemed that the whole world had been thrown into a state of chaos. Trees were hastily being bought and sold, food lists were being hurriedly created as mothers everywhere sat at the kitchen table trying to plan the perfect Christmas meal. It appeared that even Trish had picked up on the frantic festive mood as she scribbled busily onto various bits of paper.

'Box of tissues…Christmas crackers…tinsel…vegetables…starters and snacks…crisps…mince pies…pudding…turkey…' And so the list went on. 'Breaded Onion rings…crispy curly fries…' she intoned to herself, completely preoccupied. Dante sat at the kitchen table, watching her through narrowed eyes, a sour look on his face. 'Those dishwasher things…two other thingies…eggs, juice, Ribena, milk…biscuits…'

'Cookies,' Dante corrected promptly.

'_Biscuits_!' Trish looked up at him and noticed the surly face. 'What's up with _you_?'

'Nothing,' came the moody reply. Normally, Trish would have picked up on his sullen mood and would have been far more attentive. However, Christmas Fever had her in its deadly grasp and was not about to let go. So it was that Trish was rendered completely oblivious and carried on with her list enthusiastically.

'Christmas Presents!' she cried happily. 'One for Dante, one for Arson, one for Reiko, one for Vergil, one for Lady, one for Lucia…aaaaaaaaand one for Mundus!'

'Mundus!'

'Well he _was_ my boss at one point. I'm trying to keep up good relations, I'm trying to become friends. Most other people around here try to stay in touch with their former bosses. At least, that's what I've learnt from over-hearing the neighbours.' Dante could only stare at her blankly, vaguely wondering whether he should try and explain to her why it wasn't a good idea trying to send Mundus a Christmas present. Then he saw the shopping list again and he decided against it, feeling too mentally exhausted to undertake a huge task like that. Instead, he snorted.

'Don't bother getting _me_ a present.'

'Why not?'

'Just…' Dante flailed his arms about by way of answer.

'Just what?' At that point the conversation was interrupted by the sound of the door slamming open. There was a sudden gust of wind that blew at them viciously. Then another gust of _chill_ this time entered the room and flopped down in one of the wooden kitchen chairs, forcing it to creak alarmingly.

'Hello Vergil!' Trish sang cheerfully. A scathing look was what she got at first as Vergil turned his sight towards her.

'Bah!' he replied. Trish smiled at him indulgently, rather like how a mother would gaze upon her most spoilt son.

'Do you want some gingerbread men?' she asked, reaching into the oven and placing a freshly baked batch down in front of them. Vergil grinned and reached out for one but promptly burnt his hand.

'Bah!' he said moodily, glaring at the offensive treat. Dante waited for them to cool before munching on one thoughtfully.

'You know, I always feel bad when I eat these. It's mean, eating their limbs, then their torsos before finally eating their heads. It's almost cannibalistic!' Vergil stared at his brother in surprise, his mouth hanging slightly open. Usually, _he_ was the thoughtful one. Determined not to be outdone by the younger twin, he savagely bit off the head of one of the sugary treats and chewed forcefully.

'They are biscuits, Dante,' he said, spraying crumbs everywhere. 'They _have_ no feelings. Besides, I gain much pleasure from eating them. They make me feel powerful!' Dante stared at him in open horror.

'My brother is a cannibal…' he whimpered, traumatized.

Vergil decided to honour this statement with a scornful laugh. Trish immediately began clattering pots and pans together loudly, distracting them both.

'Simmer down you two!' she bellowed. The twins immediately pouted and watched as Trish stuffed a rotting head into a box. Nonplussed, they stared as Trish closed the box and began wrapping up this monstrosity with something even more terrifying. Power Ranger wrapping paper.

'What on _earth_ is _that_?' Vergil said, looking at the wrapping techniques in open disgust. Trish beamed at him.

'It's Mundus' Christmas present,' she explained patiently. Vergil snorted into his cup of hot milk before looking up at her mockingly, a milky white moustache decorating his upper lip, matching his silvery hair perfectly.

'Well done, Trish,' he began, an awful sense of disdain flooding his voice. 'Destroy half of the Underworld by sending a Christmas card and a present to its darkest confines!' Vergil laughed again, a bitter sound. Dante allowed a slight smile to grace his own features. Trish blinked, merely looking confused.

'What are you talking about?'

'Christmas is a festival that is _holy_, that celebrates the birth of who Christians call Jesus.' Vergil said, trying to keep his tone patient when talking to this inferior being.

'Jesus? Isn't that a Spanish name?' Trish asked at that point.

'JEE-SUS! Not "Hey-soos"!' Dante yelled at the top of his voice, looking utterly scandalized.

'Oh…'

'God,' Dante grumbled to himself, rolling his eyes upwards to the heavens. Vergil smirked at him.

'What's wrong, little brother? In a bad mood again? And I wonder why _that_ would be, eh?' Dante glared at him silently. Trish caught Vergil's attention at that point by asking him another question.

'So Christmas is all about celebrating the birth of Jesus?'

'More or less, yes.'

'I thought it was just a happy time where we give people presents and we get some in return!' Vergil blinked as Trish continued. 'I thought it was a festival where it encourages people to be kind and charitable and stuff.'

'I guess you could say that too,' Vergil muttered, looking a little apprehensive, wondering what was coming next. He did not have to wait long.

'Well, if that's the case, why would I be destroying the Underworld if I gave Mundus a present?' Trish asked, her tone earnest, her eyes alight with curiosity. Dante reached out silently for another gingerbread man, refusing to answer Trish's question. Vergil, always eager to educate what he considered to be stupid, drew himself up to his full height and cleared his throat.

'Devils and demons are meant stereotypically to spread hatred, disease, death and just general havoc and evil. So something as kind as giving a full-blooded demon or devil a Christmas present would make them confused. Demons aren't the brightest of creatures, unlike Devils, they need all their wits about them in order to survive. So, if doing something kind makes a demon confused, do you know what you get?' Vergil looked at Trish expectantly, with the air of a maths teacher waiting for an exceptionally dim student of nine years of age to give the answer to 2+2. When Trish next spoke, she sounded suitably sheepish.

'No…' Vergil sighed and shook his head in a way that simply screamed of long-suffering, which was ironic considering Dante had been living with Trish for the past ten years. If Trish still hadn't grasped the concept by now, then it seemed that she never really would. Still, Vergil thought to himself, he had embarked on the lesson and it was up to him to finish it.

'You get a demon that is utterly incapable of living. Or you get a Devil that is so horrified by the charitable deed that they spontaneously combust.' He paused at that point. 'It's such a shame that it does not also hold true for humans. It would certainly make the world a lot more bearable.' And with that, he stole the gingerbread man from Dante's grasp and crammed it into his mouth, watching Dante with a fiendishly malicious glare. Dante stared at him and made a little pathetic sound as he watched Vergil eat his purloined biscuit in dismay. His eyes began to well up with tears.

'Trish!' he bellowed. Trish turned away from where she was putting another tray of 'men into the oven to bake. 'Trish!' Dante cried again in added distress. Trish sighed in frustration before bustling over to the two.

'Now what, Dante?' she sighed, obviously frustrated, not that either of the boys noticed. Vergil continued to stare smugly at his younger twin.

'Ooooooh! Is ickle Dantekins telling on meeeeee?' he whined, forcing his voice to become high-pitched, making it rise and fall in a mocking sing-song tone. 'Yeah that's right, tell Mommy Dante-Wante snugglie-poo! Go crying to MOMMY!' Vergil taunted.

'Yeah well at least I don't have a milk moustache!' Dante retorted, standing up as quick as a flash and stamping his foot in petulant anger. The younger watched in satisfaction as the older gasped and flushed red with embarrassment. He quickly wiped it off, trying to appear as refined as possible, using a handkerchief that had gold piping delicately lacing the edges. What poor Vergil didn't know was that Trish and Dante secretly thought that the whole napkin thing was really far from refined. It was simply, poncey, as far as they were concerned. The two weren't quite sure what their other friends thought on the matter. Dante didn't care too much at any rate right now; Vergil had stolen his food from his very hand and he was pissed off. The holiday was already crummy enough without Vergil coming to wreck the good parts. It was then that Dante realized he had made his first ever pun. He took a few seconds to allow himself to feel proud before returning to the matter at hand. Trish was standing between them, glaring from one to the other. The smug look had all but disappeared from Vergil's face. Dante could still see traces of it in his cobalt blue eyes but even so, Dante couldn't help but notice that his older twin was beginning to look somewhat afraid. Dante gave a quick glance towards Trish and immediately began to feel fearful himself. Her eyes had turned into a wild orange colour as she began to ready herself, preparing to transform. Vergil quickly muttered an apology and sat down, watching Trish warily. Dante managed to snaffle the gingerbread man out of Vergil's grip and quickly shoved it into his mouth. Sweet justice. Vergil could do nothing but glare at him angrily, not daring to do a single thing while Trish towered over them. Trish smiled to herself as the two boys calmed down. Sometimes it was a real bonus, looking like Eva. She didn't feel any type of attraction towards the twins, just an overwhelming desire to look after them. She paused as she felt Dante tug on the sleeve of her black jumper, threatening to stretch it out of shape.

'Trish?' he began to whine, 'Trish? When is Lady coming over?' he demanded. Trish rolled her eyes and prayed for strength, in the fashion that all mothers have used at some point or another throughout their lives.

'Soon, darling, soon,' she promised without really knowing the answer.

'Good, because Vergil keeps hogging all the gingerbreads to himself!' Dante burst out indignantly. Trish whirled around, her patience finally snapping at Dante's childish behaviour. Enough was enough, she was tired of being motherly for now!

'Dante! How old are you?' she growled. Dante narrowed his eyes.

'I'm guessing that I'm about forty or so.'

'You're _guessing_?' Trish squawked, her eyebrows trying to fly right off her face, such was her surprise.

'Well yes,' Vergil said, unexpectedly rising to his brother's defence. 'Nothing is certain. We don't even know whether Dante is an alcoholic! I mean, at one point he's glugging down bottle after bottle of beer and the next he's drinking nothing but cans of tomato juice!'

'Yeah…the manga crapped up a lot of stuff and made some things really confused,' Dante sighed softly. 'But I know that I was _definitely_ 19 when Temen-Ni-Gru was erected!' Dante finished happily. Vergil started giggling to himself.

'Erected…heh heh…' Dante and Trish knew better than to say anything regarding Vergil's laughing at naughty words or vague double-entendres. Dante had been in the human world for all of his life and had reached this phase and had passed through it until he reached the age of twenty, saw that he had a two in his age acting as the first digit and immediately began to feel too old. That was about the same time when all the "WHOOOOHOOOOOO"s came to a blessed end. Vergil however hadn't been quite so lucky and hadn't been able to develop in the normal fashion, never being able to experience such phases. Instead he went through the markedly different phase of wanting to cause as much destruction as was possible. Now that he was back in the human realm though, he was beginning to resume development as normal but at a very late stage. Dante considered himself very generous in not allowing himself to use this as ammunition against Vergil. Still, sometimes it was all he could do not to tease his unsuspecting brother. Trish sighed and turned away, hoping to actually get somewhere with the washing up. Dante blinked before looking at her owlishly.

'Why did you ask me about how old I am, Trish?' he asked worriedly. 'Am I beginning to get lines? Am I beginning to look old? My teeth aren't turning yellow are they?' He looked at her fearfully, causing Trish to roll her eyes yet again. Vergil started chuckling to himself, his eyes gleaming the way they always did whenever he was amused. If someone wanted to see Vergil at his scariest, they only needed to make him laugh. Trish ignored the older blue-clad twin and glared at the younger.

'Calm yourself you melodramatic prat!' she snapped. Dante snivelled, his whimpering reduced to a mere sniffle every now and again. Trish took a fortifying deep breath of air, which couldn't really be described as fresh considering it was being polluted by pizza boxes that contained long stale pizzas, week old garlic bread and empty beer bottles. Trish gagged slightly at this cacophony of scents, no, of _malodours_. She steeled herself before putting on her most stern face. 'I merely asked after your age because of the fact that you act so bloody immature! Look at Vergil! Look at how _he_ acts for the majority of the time!' She finished, looking vaguely triumphant. Dante frowned before looking towards Vergil's general direction. The evil older twin merely sat there, his face shadowed half in darkness, his steely blue eyes glinting coldly in the light. Dante hissed, his bad mood quickly escalating. He turned back to Trish.

'Yeah well at least I'm not a walking cliché!' He hollered, his face becoming a colour that matched his coat. 'Vergil thinks he's so cool but really we see people like him in nearly every single film, or book or anime!' Vergil gasped, incensed. He jumped out of his chair and smashed his fist against the table, causing the various items to rattle noisily. Vergil didn't seem to care as he glared at Dante, his eyes flaring.

'I am _not_ a cliché!' he growled, struggling to keep his voice under control. At that point, his pet shadow, Cuddles walked in through the cat-flap, mewing for his favourite meal. Human flesh. Vergil automatically calmed down and picked up the cat demon, cooing and petting it. Dante looked at him, open disgust written on his face. Trish had used black marker pen while Dante had been distracted. It was a sad fact that Dante had never really mastered the art of being able to notice things around him when he was utterly focused on the target. Thus, he remained oblivious to the fact that he had words written across his forehead and his cheeks.

'Nerd!' he growled back. Vergil's newly regained calm immediately broke as he tossed Cuddles through the window, feeling that he needed all his concentration to teach Dante a lesson. He glared at him and bared his teeth, grinding them together, the sound more than audible.

'You overgrown…overgrown…_fart_!' he gasped, his eyes bulging, his face apoplectic with frustration. His rage sapped him of all mental strength, resulting in the rather lame comeback. Dante curled his lip upwards, the word "scorn" written across one cheek.

'Dork!'

'You overdressed piece of crap!'

'Geek!'

'You…cretin!'

'Wait! What's a cretin?' Vergil was about to answer what he was expecting to be an insult, paused when he recognised it as a query and stopped. He blinked blankly before his face clouded over.

'Do you know,' he said slowly, musingly, suddenly falling into a British accent, 'I do believe I've actually forgotten!' Dante blinked at him.

'Fair enough. Who's turn was it?'

'Yours.'

'All right. Thank you. FREAK!'

'You compensating gimp!' Dante fell into silence at Vergil's last attack. He turned quiet, but not because he didn't know the meaning of the word "gimp". He had watched "Pulp Fiction" more than enough times than was normal and considered himself to be reasonably knowledgeable on all matters regarding or even remotely pertaining to gimpage. He knew he had to run from them, he knew that they were demons that were too dangerous to try and kill outright. But, as said before, Dante was not silent because he was thinking on all of these matters. No, the red coated demon hunter had turned mute because he knew that he was defeated. Trish had made him promise not to trash talk until New Year's Day. Had he been able to access his questionable talent, Dante knew that Vergil would have most likely been rolling about on the floor in throes of agony. Coarse language had always bothered his brother, for reasons he had never really been able to understand. He was forced to sit in sullen silence as Vergil sat at the table, a supremely stupid smug smile on his face, his eyes shining with a malicious light. A slight movement at the kitchen window caught Dante's attention. Vergil's idiotic demon cat was sitting on the window-sill, staring in and watching him balefully. Dante hissed with irritation as he noticed that the cat-demon was imitating Vergil's expression perfectly. Just before Dante was about to kick some ass, the doorbell rang. Trish turned to open the door happily, leaving the two brothers by themselves in the kitchen.

Dante smirked.

Now was his chance.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 – O little Prince of Broodiness**

Dante watched Vergil cautiously, waiting for him to make the first unwise move. Thankfully, the older twin made no move, simply glaring at him. Trish returned shortly, looking gleeful, two women following behind her. Dante smiled as soon as he set eyes on the first. Lady. Well, her real name was Mary but hey, Lady sounded way cooler. And not just because Lady was Dante's favourite Disney character from Dante's favourite Disney movie ever, "Lady and the Tramp". Not that anyone really knew, or wanted to know about Dante's odd movie preferences. The gun-toting demon slayer really didn't seem like the type to enjoy a Disney film. One would not have been totally misled into thinking that the man would rather enjoy watching things getting blown up and generally watch as chaos exploded onto the screen.

But Dante harboured a terrible secret. He had cried when Mufasa had died in "The Lion King".

Vergil harboured an even darker secret, and he hid it much better. He had cried in "Bambi".

Dante forced his thoughts to return to the matter at hand. Lady had just entered the building. After the now natural and expected sound of alarm bells had ceased to ring in his mind, Dante concentrated hard on his "friend", a silly grin on his face which quickly faded at the sight of what it was she was wearing. She was differently from what she usually wore, which consisted of a simple white blouse that could be seen through if it got wet, like say with rainwater. Incidentally, one could also tell when Lady was feeling particularly…cold…anyway…Her outfit also usually consisted of a tiny skirt that could be looked up when she did one of her elaborate flips and a pair of bright pink boots that were livid in colour but also set off her wonderfully shapely legs. Needless to say, Dante had more than approved of the outfit. Then Vergil had decided to ruin it all by telling Lady that she looked no better than a common-place whore. Another thing that is needless to say but shall be said anyway was that Lady was much less than pleased and had decided immediately that her fashion sense just _had_ to change as soon as was humanely possible. The high boots had stayed, but they were now black in colour. They still set off her legs, or they would have had they not been constantly covered by the new baggy pants that she now seemed to be constantly wearing. And instead of the cute white blouse that Dante had secretly been worshipping, she was now wearing huge sweaters that seemed to swallow her body whole, much to his dismay. To be quite frank, Lady's figure was slight, and when compared to the likes of Trish and Lucia, the human barely had a figure at _all_; her curves were extremely hard to notice. Dante's fury and hurt at being denied even the slightest glimpse of Lady's figure was therefore absolute. Lady's face however, had not lost its charm, rather it had grown as the woman's age had grown. But compared to what her body looked like, Dante, being a man couldn't help but be wistful and regard her with a sense of nostalgia shining in his eyes.

All of this simply served to make Dante hate Vergil all the more. It seemed that Vergil always set out to do whatever he could to destroy the few pleasures Dante still had in his life.

And as for the second woman that entered the room after Trish, Lucia had never really gained Dante's affections, him merely regarding her as a client. However, Lucia had never really felt the same and couldn't bring herself to see it from Dante's point of view. In short, she had always been determined to make Dante treat her with something a little more than mere polite respect.

Dante, being…well…_Dante_ and being pretty crap with words had no way of telling her to leave him alone, and couldn't find the words to express the fact that the demon did little more other than freak him out at the best of times. So it was that it was no surprise that he grimaced before a look of complete and utter terror plastered itself upon his face as Lucia hugged him with all the strength of a rather over-enthusiastic baby elephant.

'Dante!' she trumpeted in her rich accent, bellowing into his ear. Dante felt a section (he didn't know _which_ section) of his face twitch as he became increasingly petrified. Vergil took one idle look at Dante's face and started giggling, the sound unnaturally shrill and girly. Everyone turned to look at him, utterly horrified. Vergil cleared his throat before forcing his laugh to sound more manly and deep.

'Ho ho ho!' he chortled. There was a moment of awkward silence before the room erupted into raucous laughter. Vergil glared at them all before sniffing haughtily. No one took any notice. They were all too stupid to realise that they were being snubbed. In the case of Lady, she didn't even know the meaning of the word "snubbed". She usually killed everyone before they had a chance. So instead of recognizing Vergil's sniff as a snub, they merely assumed that Vergil's time in the Underworld had forced a terrible curse upon him that ensured he would always suffer from a permanent cold.

Dante managed to shake Lucia off him and immediately crossed to the other side of the room, moving to stand next to Vergil, making sure that the table was placed securely between him and her. Lucia merely smiled benignly, but to Dante's paranoid eyes, it simply appeared that Lucia was telling him without words of how she would find a way to eat him. Bloody cannibals, he thought to himself mulishly, glaring at Vergil who continued to stuff hi face full of gingerbread man flesh.

Trish smiled brightly, about to say something when the doorbell rang again. Irritated, she stamped out of the kitchen, through the living room and flung open the door. Dante blinked before poking his head around the living room door. His lip curled back without him even realizing as he spotted who exactly the new guests were. There were two of them, both male. Dante was grateful for this. He was beginning to feel tired of being the only man in the building. Vergil, he thought to himself further, might have the anatomy of a man but in his eyes, he was the biggest girl out of all of them. He took care of his nails, he didn't like playing video games, he didn't like getting drunk, he also didn't like eating pizza all the time, wanting to go out to restaurants to eat most of the time. And even worse was the fact that Vergil, a so-called man hated, yes _hated _the world of sports. Football did not interest him, rugby did not interest him, nor did basketball, tennis or hockey! Dante, a believer of the theory that "boring" people loved "boring" sports even tried to introduce Vergil to the sport known commonly as "golf" but known to Dante as "that piece of crap with the oddly shaped hockey stick". In short, Vergil was _worse_ than a girl. He was a **_GIRLIE GIRL_. **

Dante's relief was therefore more than obvious when a raven-haired man stepped through into the building, taking everything in with interest.

'Reiko!' Dante bellowed. The man jumped and looked nervously at Dante. He winced when he heard his own name, cursing his parents for giving him the moniker which belonged to a girl's. Nevertheless, he volunteered a smile.

'I wish you a good day,' he replied. Dante blinked, clueless. Then he remembered the reason why he didn't really consider Reiko to be a man either. Because of his use of the English language was what Dante could only describe as _flowery. _And because Reiko always seemed to be immaculately groomed. Even when he woke up first thing at night, his hair would be set perfectly, his eyes would be bright, and all traces of night breath would have disappeared long before they could even be noticed.

Then there was also the unfortunate incident that Reiko and Dante had never spoken of to anyone, because the memory was certainly too painful and shameful to recall without Dante bursting out into horrified tears, or without Reiko promptly forcing himself into a bloodlust specifically to distract everyone and make them focus on the new task that had been placed upon them. And people said it was useless being a drama queen…Reiko had been more than able to prove the saying wrong. Another reason why Dante thought that Reiko was not all man was because of the fact that the vampire always seemed to act impossibly shy and seemed terrified of women. This in itself wouldn't have been to unusual, because let's face it, there are plenty of shy good-looking and attractive men in the world who would seem more at home glued to the computer rather than trying to hold a conversation with real people. But this is Dante we're talking about, and it is a sad fact that sometimes he can be a little bit too quick to judge people. Therefore he put down Reiko's shyness towards women to the supposed fact that he was scared of them because he was a woman himself and that he was secretly scared that real women would be able to sense this somehow by sniffing it out (Dante believed that all women's senses were incredibly sensitive and could pick up on the smallest things…like when you told a lie…)

Lady was proof enough that his theory was truth. No one would ever find the heart to tell Dante that her nose would have to be chopped off if she wasn't able to smell him from a mile away. Poor Dante had never been fragrantly pleasing. But Reiko and Vergil always seemed to be smelling faintly of something that Dante had never been able to recognise as cologne. It was this that had also helped Dante to reach the conclusion that Reiko was not totally male. Either he was a he-she or he was actually gay. Reiko's fashion sense really hadn't done the vampire any favours to dissuade the demon hunter either. He had once confided in Trish as to his beliefs regarding the vampire's sexuality. Trish had immediately found the need to take it upon herself to scoff and scorn at Dante before paying him the ultimate insult.

'You could learn a lesson or two-hundred and seventy two from Vergil and Reiko you know.' Then she had vacated the room, leaving an utterly miserable Dante to bang his head against the walls as many times as he needed.

And now they were both here, in his home! He growled at Reiko, feeling as though he was the only man in the house after this extensive thinking. Reiko simply looked at him in concern.

'Oh I say!' he exclaimed in that ridiculous manner of his. Actually, in reality, all Reiko did was frown and look sympathetic but Dante believed in the voices in his head and assumed that Reiko had said that instead. So it was no surprise that Reiko look confused, disturbed and then alarmed as Dante growled at him with all the madness of a rabid dog.

'Don't talk to me like that you…you…you overstuffed pigeon!' Dante frothed. Reiko, who looked nothing like an overstuffed pigeon, being somewhat on the skinny side and looking like a humanoid being, thought he was being rather civilized when he smashed his fist into Dante's nose. _It could have been worse_, he ruminated to himself as he watched Dante scream. _I could have bit him in the groin. _In another embarrassing incident, Vergil had poured scorn and water upon Reiko's head, making him very angry and wet. Reiko had retaliated by locking his fangs into Vergil's crotch. Vergil had screamed in pain and had proceeded to run about the room madly, dragging Reiko across the floor as he did so. Dante had walked in upon their of them, had taken in the terrible and compromising scene, had widened his eyes in horror and had promptly run away screaming and crying. This was part of the reason why Dante could never look at his brother without scorn shining in his eyes. Reiko had tried to explain to Dante in private about what had really happened, but Dante would promptly start crying and Reiko would get so irritated that he found himself in a bloodlust. He didn't see any reason to speak of it to anyone else, but he simply wanted to clear things up and tell Dante the truth about what had happened.

_But right now_, Reiko thought grimly as he watched Dante regain his composure, anger flaring in his eyes, _I'm in trouble_. Whereas Dante didn't know anything about the customs of a vampire, and even though he was a bit of a fool, he wasn't a complete idiot. No, he knew that a punch to the face _never_ meant hello, no matter what language you spoke, no matter where you came from. But still, Reiko was a vampire and Lady was giving the guy adoring looks. Well, she wasn't scowling and looking pissy so that _had_ to mean _something_. And that was the only reason why Dante did not deign to kick Reiko's ass. Because he was terrified of Lady.

Being no longer able to abuse, or try to abuse the dark and angsty vampire, Dante turned to the other visitor and groaned. It was the very one who plagued his nightmares, the very one who made him want to die, the very one who made him wish he had a washing machine. Yes, it was none other then…

'Papa!' bellowed Lucia, bursting from the tornado like a formidable hurricane. Arius got up and looked about sniffily before bounding onto Dante's coveted heavy oak desk.

'I, shall be keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeng of this…erm….er….'

'Desk?' Reiko supplied, trying to be helpful.

'Agency?' Vergil suggested. There was a sudden bang and Arius fell to the ground, dead, blood desecrating his white clothes. Dante relaxed. Now he didn't have the need to purchase a washing machine. All was right with the world again!

'Oops…' whispered a small diminutive voice. A kid stood in the doorway, looking confused, a gun in his hand. He looked at Arius' body and then dropped the gun, horrified. 'I killed him!' he gasped. Dante immediately began to coo, forcing looks of utter shock from Vergil and Reiko. Lady also looked surprised as she let out a huge burp. Then she looked comfortable again, swaddled in her heavy thick clothing as she sat by the fire.

'I know!' cried Dante happily. 'Aren't you just a cute little boy? Aren't you just the best boy ever? You killed the mean old guy who wore white and had a face like a ponce! He was about to make me go and buy a washing machine and a tumble-drier. And if he stayed much longer than that, I would have bought a _dishwasher_ too!' The youth did not look impressed to say the least.

'Let go!' he cried. 'I'm eighteen dammit!' Vergil said nothing but watched the new stranger warily. He had a distinct feeling that this was the infamous Arson that he had unwillingly heard so much about from Trish, who seemed to adore the boy. The she-demon had painted a glowing picture of how sweet and cute and cuddly and adorable the half-angel half-demon was. Yet Dante had told a completely different story. One that told of how Arson was really a menace, of how he was prone to mood swings, of his capability to cause madness wherever he went. Vergil was more inclined to believe Dante, he had seen the fear that had shone only too clearly in Dante's eyes. And Vergil knew from experience that his brother was a hard man to scare. But looking at the kid now, he was forced to agree that the kid did not look threatening in the least. He just looked like an ordinary kid, well, a very _innocent_ ordinary kid. Vergil should have known better. Finding innocent eighteen year olds is something extremely hard to do. If Vergil had known better, then he might not have flicked Arson's nose in a painful manner.

Arson's eyes flared red and he promptly turned into a living inferno, sending a whirlwind of flame tearing through the living room, destroying everything in its path. Vergil and the others had no choice but to duck for cover, or in Reiko's case to run out of the building as fast as he possibly could. Trish went into action immediately.

'Arson! Here! Have a cookie!' And without further delay, she threw it at him. The devil bent down over it, sniffed it and then threw it into his mouth, munching noisily before letting out a purr, a noisy belch and a growling coo. The flames then began to die down, revealing an overly happy teenager.

Lady glared at the teen but said nothing. Lucia was still too busy sniffling over the now very charred remains of her "father". Trish was gushing about how adorable Arson was and Vergil could do little else but stare, not noticing as Reiko peeped nervously around the kitchen door. A slow smile passed over the blue coated villain's face. Arson could prove to be a very useful ally! All he had to do was try and convince him to the join the bad guy's…but then he remembered that he wasn't sure where exactly he stood in that department. To be an evil twin or to be a misunderstood twin…that was the true question! Then Vergil saw the innocent look in Arson's eyes and realised that if he took the stance of the evil twin then he would have to decide against it. Only because he wished to kill him instead.

Dante however, was not looking scared, shocked, confused or happy. He didn't even look the least bit angry. No, a strange look had passed over his face, one that Reiko recognised very easily, yet one that the vampire found difficulty in believing that the demon-hunter was capable of performing. Could it be? Could it _really_ be? Could it _really_ be that Dante was…dare he say it...? _depressed_? The hunter sighed heavily at that point, confirming Reiko's thoughts. Yes, Reiko decided. Dante was going to make a brave attempt at trying to become a contender for the angsty throne of broodiness.

He walked up to him, but his movement drew the attention of Trish, who caught Lady's notice, who Vergil had been staring at, who's arse Lucia had been slavering over, further desecrating her "father"'s corpse. Only Arson failed to notice that anything was amiss; he was too busy bouncing off the walls after ingesting the sugar laden cookie.

'Awwwww,' Trish cooed again, sounding like an over-enthusiastic dove. 'Does someone want some presents?' This served only to make Dante look more sullen.

'Did you run out of beer, Alkie?' Vergil sneered nastily, earning himself a glare in reply.

'Did Vergil take the stick from his ass and shove it up yours instead?' This suggestion was from Lady, who was promptly snarled at by two angry twins for her pains.

'Do you want to kill _Maman_?' Lucia queried. She smiled when Dante grinned briefly at the delightful thought but then pouted when Dante sighed and looked depressed again. Then Lucia began to cry, finally realizing exactly how much Dante hated her mother. The friends looked towards Reiko, who in turn was beginning to brood himself.

'You know,' he began in a low voice. 'Christmas time always does this to me as well. Everyone puts on this happy face for a single day, and then when the dawn breaks the day after, all the niceties are gone, all the sourness and anger is back. Their politeness and happiness was nothing more than pretence. It depresses me, to think that Christmas and only Christmas brings out the best in people, and all the other days we see only their anger and hate. It just shows me what a false world we live in.' Dante looked up at him and shook his head.

'That's not what's getting me,' he said irritably. A mild smile was what he earned in reply as the vampire looked towards him.

'Then what is it?'

'That was my Father's desk. Now it's all burnt and charred.' The vampire nodded, as though understanding before his eyes grew dark.

'I always get sad around this time of year. After all I lost my parents in the cold season and…well…it holds a lot of painful memories for me. I always think about what life might have been like had they still been alive. Maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they have done. I might not have turned into a vampire, maybe I would not have been as messed up as I am now. Maybe right at this moment, we'd all be sitting around a fire, swapping presents, tantalizing each other with the wrapped up parcels as we set them under the Christmas tree…' He paused here. 'Christmas always makes me think of the family I have lost. It always fills me with a sense of yearning, with a need to be with…with…' He broke off here and shook his head regretfully, gaining a hug from Trish, who wanted to look as though she understood and was sympathetic. Vergil just looked unimpressed. Lady bit her lip, looking as though she wanted to cry; she understood _exactly_ what the vampire meant, after all. As for Dante, he was staring at the floor, sadness shining in his eyes. To Lucia's vision, he looked exactly like the man who had saved her island; sad, quiet and sensible.

'Suck it up, vamp,' Vergil spat, feeling a sudden burst of rage. 'They're gone. They have been since you were five. It's time to move on.'

'Have _you_ moved on?' Lady said sharply. Vergil snorted.

'Yeah. I have. I had to. You can't always live in the past.' His eyes were fixed on Dante as he said this, scorn on his face.

'Doesn't it ever hurt though, Vergil? Don't you ever think of them at this time of year?' Lucia asked. The blue coated twin looked acutely uncomfortable and looked about sheepishly. Even Arson seemed to sense something of the tense aura surrounding them and looked at them uneasily from where he crouched in a corner of the room. If _Arson_ had turned quiet then it really _did_ mean he had put his foot in it, Vergil thought miserably.

'Well…no…' he said truthfully, causing a collective gasp to be taken.

'What!'

'Life in the Underworld changed me. Badly. I'm aware of it, but I can't do anything about it. Nor do I really care anymore anyway. Emotions? Who needs them? Parents? Well…I've been without them since I was about seven. I don't really need them now. I'm fine.' He knew he was talking crap, really he knew. He was trying to hide what he really felt, not wanting the others to know. Yes, he had emotions still. But they were like tattered ribbons, they were barely there. He no longer knew the meaning of care, he no longer knew what it was to love something. He had the memory, but he lacked the feeling. He _envied_ the others for their emotions, he envied the others for their sadness, their nostalgia. He envied them all for having these wondrous things. Yet they took it all for granted and it did nothing but anger him. He wanted them, he wanted them desperately, with something akin to a desperate nervous hunger.

His ruse appeared to have worked however, for Dante jumped to his feet, visibly shaking with rage. He stared at Vergil wordlessly, but the look in his eyes spoke volumes, letting his twin know exactly what he felt about life in general, how he was feeling now, how he felt about him and the attitude he had just displayed. Vergil opened his mouth, hoping to say something but Dante turned on his heel at that point and walked out of the door, slamming it shut behind him as he crunched outside through the snow, on into the darkness that was thickening even as he walked, leaving his friends staring after him in growing concern.

No one saw as Reiko shook his head and covered his eyes with one hand. And no one was able to see as Vergil closed his eyes, a look of intense pain crossing his features.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 – Hark! The bawling hunter screams!**

Outside, it was bitterly cold and as Dante marched he began to feel his resolve weaken until it was almost reduced to nothing. He began to wish he was back home, drinking mugs of hot milk, saving gingerbread men from Vergil and looking forward to gleefully opening a whole host of presents. Then, afterwards they would play board-games and then, when they all got tired, they would huddle together, in front of the television set and watch some family film…and they would laugh and laugh and laugh and…

No…Dante shook his head and wondered sadly whether he was going insane. He had to be, to confuse the present Christmas with those from when he was a child, before he hit the age of seven, when they were a full family, all of them loving of each other and happy. His father had been there and had been like a big blanket but _so_ much better, offering warmth, security and love. He wondered again whether he was slowly turning mad. Indeed, the little old lady who was sitting on the bench seemed to think so, and to show her disgust for anyone who was less then sane, she threw her newspaper at him, wiggled a cane and then lumbered towards him. Dante was utterly terrified, the only experience he'd ever had with little old ladies was his grandmother Bob on his mother's side. She had had false teeth, a scary smile, blackened gums and appeared as though she would have been much more at home in a wrestling ring. Eva's mother really hadn't been right in the head. So it was understandable that Dante was watching this little old lady with a considerable sense of apprehension.

'Excuse me?' she said in a quivery little old lady voice. 'Have you seen my…' she paused at this point, leaving the demon hunter watching her in a petrified silence. What on earth was this little _creature_ in front of him going to ask for? A turnip? Or a bazooka perhaps? Maybe she was even going to ask whether he had seen her assassin who killed vampires before eating their fangs by turning them into a thoroughly disgusting but delicacy of a stew? Maybe the assassin even ate the stew with crumpets for his high-tea! If that was really the somewhat farfetched case, then maybe he would tell the little old lady about Reiko and get him chopped up into little bits…Dante had no time to entertain any such delightful thoughts as the old lady cleared her throat and smacked her withering lips together a couple of times, causing a sound that made Dante stand stiffly to attention, his skin crawling, a little whimper threatening to escape him. She began to speak again.

'Dog?' Dante stared at her blankly, having forgotten the question.

'E-excuse me?' he stammered, trying to sound polite. Once he had been less than polite to grandmother Bob and had been thrashed by said person with her cane as a result. Then, in the same hour, he began watching Pocahontas and watched with increasing horror as Grandmother Willow beat the living daylights out of the English soldiers using her whippy branches, thus sending the English soldiers running off in a blind panic, and traumatizing a very _very_ impressionable Dante.

The little old lady gibbered, yes _gibbered_ something unintelligible and shuffled about, reminding Dante vividly of two very different things. The first was a picture of an owl that was ruffling his feathers will looking all about it in a beady fashion, as though waiting to swoop down for the kill. The second image he had was of a crazy voodoo priestess who would not find it at all below her to lay a curse upon him that caused his ears to grow to the size of Dumbo's and caused his hair to fall off. Then he remembered grandmother Bob again, and remembered instantly of how he had seen her go through the exact same actions before she tried to kick some ass and fell over. He promptly wailed, trying to shield his head with his arms, remembering that before his grandmother had fallen over, she usually managed to land a few hits. The little old lady merely looked at him in confusion before harrumphing at the childish display. She then looked at Dante in nothing less than open disgust. She cleared her throat and set about the entire ritual of lip smacking once again before fixing Dante with what he assumed to be a gimlet eye and spoke in a loud raucous manner, sounding much like a puia who was suffering from the flu.

'Have you seen my…_dog_?' she asked again. Dante shook his head mutely before finding the nerve to speak again, though he sounded somewhat stilted and drunk.

'Er…ah…erm…eh…?' he gasped, his eyes wide. Still, he tried to take deep breaths. _Don't let her know you're afraid, Dante…don't let her know you're afraid…don't let her know…if you give any old woman even the slightest clue that you're scared, if you let them smell your fear, they'll be all over you like ants on a dead lion's body! _He thought to himself miserably. Then he gave himself another moment to allow for the rare opportunity to feel proud of himself. He had actually remembered a quote! A real quote! From his most favourite game! Spartan, Total Warrior. Then he grinned gleefully. Just wait until he told Vergil about his wonderful spectacular memory skills! The sucker would be sorry he had ever messed with him! He'd also be sorry that he had teased him, punched him, kicked him, pinched him, threaten to castrate him, near-castrate him and he would be _deathly_ sorry that he had flushed Dante's fish down the toilet at the age of five and after that had failed he had put it in the incinerator. The little bastard…Though now he came to think of it, he still hadn't figured out how Sparda had managed to get a fish tank containing a barracuda past Eva. Sparda had never grasped the concept of giving the kids a _friendly_ animal to play with.

The little old lady who was lacking her dog began to look somewhat disturbed as she stared upon the strange man with a young face but had silver hair. She was mostly disturbed, not by the odd vengeful smile that had pasted itself on Dante's face at the thought of bragging to Vergil, but by his youthful appearance. At this point, as several sudden thoughts decided to beat about in her brain, she forgot all about her precious pet pooch and thought only of her facial products. What make was this man using, she wondered to herself. Was it Decleor? Was it Clinique? Or was it something else that she had never heard of? Had he used anti-aging cream? How had he got rid of the lines that should have plagued him by now if he had such a brilliant head of silver hair? She had tried anti-aging cream once herself and after forcing herself to believe that it was actually working, she had sworn by it for years even though it hadn't done her any good whatsoever. Seeing Dante in front of her now made her finally admit defeat, and that the anti-aging cream was nothing but another rip off.

Then Dante managed to bring his mind back on track, forcing it to remember what the task at hand was and regained his speech properly, rudely disrupting the little old lady's somewhat questionable thought pattern.

'What does your dog look like?' he asked. He did not know _why_ exactly he had decided to ask, it just seemed like the polite thing to do. And at this stage, Dante did not want to be clobbered over the head by a little old lady wielding a scary looking handbag. His day had already been bad enough without that little mishap occurring. He had thought that perhaps the little old lady would be so touched by his kind question that maybe she would just laugh in a gentle benevolent little old lady manner and tell Dante that there was no need to worry, that she would find her pet by herself, ("Fuffly never goes too far you see.") and she would tell him to be on his merry way. ("Go on, a fine lad like you needn't be stooping about trying to find "Fluffy.") But no such luck. It seemed that those type of grandmothers only existed on television and in cartoons and in films and in "Spirited Away". No, this little old lady was a bitch, Dante thought to himself mulishly. A right little insane horror.

For at the sound of Dante's question, the little old lady launched into a long and elaborate monologue regarding her precious pet.

'Fluffy is the most adorable dog in the world!' Dante rolled his eyes. How had he known that the dog was somehow called Fluffy? Because little old ladies couldn't be bothered to find a decent name for their pets, obviously. Fluffy the dog, Fluffy the goldfish, Fluffy the ten foot giant that protected their gardens! Then he remembered that those weren't giants at all. Those were garden rakes, and they weren't even ten foot tall. He sighed with boredom as the little old lady continued. 'She has a beautiful coat, she looks almost like a sheep when I haven't been able to find time to take her to the pet parlour. Oh she is so utterly precious and she adores it when you give her a light kiss on the nose! She is black in colour but don't let _that_ put you off, she comes from a very very decent family, one of the finest pedigrees in the country!' Dante stared at her, slack-jawed in amazement, not because he was impressed by the dog (which he wasn't) but because he was horrified by the little old lady's racial slur. This woman was even worse than grandmother Bob, Dante thought to himself in agony. _That_ was certainly saying something and make no mistake! Yet the description _still_ wasn't over, much to Dante's abject misery. The little old lady was on a role now. She was like a pit-bull terrier that had found a bone and was unwilling to give it up to anyone until it was well and thoroughly chewed.

'She has the most wonderful temperament of all the dogs I have ever seen and she has a very vivid personality. Now, if you tell her to sit she will _refuse_ and glare at you before whining. That's her way of telling her that you're not the boss of her.' The little old lady lowered her voice so then it was a whisper with a sense of conspiracy to it. 'Fluffy believes in equality, and of _course_ she would, especially because of her coloured background. She's very refined in spite of that though. Simply marvellous she is! Marvellous! The way she acts you wouldn't think she's a toy poodle at all! No…I tell you, young man, I tell you, old Fluffy can think and act like a _human_! Like one of _us_!' Dante said nothing. He felt as though his poor brain, already damaged enough as it was by running headlong into walls generated by the power of the Pride of Lion, had completely collapsed, leaving him as nothing more than an empty shell, a wreck of a man, and one that was certainly ill-equipped to go Fluffy-hunting. But he wasn't fooling anyone, least of all the little old lady. Her son had had a breakdown though she knew not why and so she knew the tell-tale signs. Acting bored and irritated was _not_ one of them as far as her experience told her.

'Ooooooooooh!' she cooed in her quavery yet demented voice. 'You are _so _kind, dear, saying you'll help me find my dog.'

'Yeah…' Dante sighed miserably. 'Well, that's me all over, kind and caring.' The little old lady didn't seem to hear Dante's last comment but decided to cling to his arm, believing herself to have some charm that would help her effortlessly get men. She had taken quite a liking to the odd old man with the youthful unwrinkled skin and the odd silver hair that showed no sign of balding.

'Oooooooh!' she said again effusively. 'You _are_ handsome man!' she bellowed, completely lacking any form, even the slightest form of tact. Dante paled considerably. 'Tell me, are you…_married_ per chance?' she cackled, revealing decaying gums and teeth that looked as though they were about to fall out of her head. Dante looked as white as a sheet of snow, and if a crazy person had been walking past at that moment, they would have claimed that he was the son of Snow White. The little old lady blinked up at him at that precise moment.

'Are you the son of Snow White?' she asked earnestly. Dante gasped, realization and understanding finally dawning upon him, revealing itself in his eyes. The woman was utterly and completely insane! And to think that he had been worried that _he_ was the one who was mad!

'I'm not the son of Snow White,' he said slowly. 'Snow White doesn't exist.'

'Sure she does! She's the one that sings to all the birds and who sleeps around with seven men!' Well, he'd certainly never seen _that_ version of the film. Pervert that he was, he wondered idly where he could find a copy of the film, then he remembered that it probably didn't even exist. He felt a sharp pang of disappointment and loss. The little old lady _was_ insane after all, she was probably just making it up. Then he remembered that if there really was such a tape then there would only be _one_ woman. And that's it. Suddenly, he didn't feel so disappointed anymore.

'Are you married by any chance?' the little old lady asked again, causing Dante to grimace. Ah, the return of _that_ question again. He shuddered and decided to lie.

'Yes. Yes I am married.'

'Really? Where's your wedding ring?' Dante cursed under his breath. The little old lady might have been hit one too many times on the head but by the looks of things she was still extremely observant. He cast about wildly for an excuse.

'He doesn't like me wearing it in public!' he blurted, Then he suddenly realized he had made a mistake. He had said "he" instead of "she". He floundered, trying to rectify the little problem he had caused for himself. 'Er…what I mean to say is that…'

'You're GAY?' The little old lady screeched. Dante suddenly saw how this might just benefit him. Then he wondered briefly whether he had any pride at all. Why should he pretend to be something that he wasn't? Why should he pretend? Why should he be scared? It was only a harmless little old lady who was a bit mad in the head. He had gone up against a hell of a lot worse than that, certainly! Like demons. This little old lady was definitely not a demon, he could see that now. And she was really nothing at all when compared to them. And if the worst came to the worst then he could just push her over and run away. But then his conscience made an appearance, and forced him to remember a small fact.

He was a hero. He didn't go about pushing little old ladies over, thus running the risk of having them break their bones. And even if he wasn't a hero, he wasn't that type of person to begin with. Sparda and Eva had raised him with the belief that it was best to be as kind as was possible to every living creature one came across. Except for demons. And for those demons that did good in the world, like his father. And himself, obviously. If that hadn't been the case then he would have been forced to kill himself a hell of a long time ago. So, with this heartening thoughts in mind, he smiled down kindly at the little old lady, who promptly screeched with delight.

'You are! You are! Tell me, is the _sex_ good?' All the reigns of calm that Dante had been holding a minute ago slipped out of his grasp, leaving him spluttering in an undignified manner.

'Hold on a second here! I…I…I…I…' then he sighed. 'Yes.' It just seemed so much easier to simply agree.

'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!' Dante was beginning to suspect by this point that this little old lady had been a yaoi fangirl when she had been younger. Much younger. Somehow, she hadn't been able to kick the addiction and was still fascinated and hungry for all things yaoi even now. And Dante knew that if there was one thing that could be considered worse than a yaoi fangirl, it was a _mad_ yaoi fangirl who was over the age of seventy. He sighed.

'Shouldn't we try and find your dog?'

'Fluffy likes gay people. She's all for gay marriage you know,' the woman confessed in a whisper.

'Yeah yeah, that's very nice,' Dante snapped impatiently. 'Now let's go and find your pet.' There was an outraged gasp from the senior citizen at Dante's carelessly chosen words.

'Fluffy is _not_ a pet! She is an _equal_!'

'Fine, let's go and find your _friend_ then.'

'Okay.' The two stood there for a full five minutes, Dante shifting about awkwardly, the little old lady smiling widely and staring at Dante in a drippy and lovelorn way that made Dante feel itchy all over his body. He watched with discomfort as a trail of spittle made it's steady way out of her mouth and down her wobbling chin, dangling there. Dante forced himself to look away, feeling as though he might actually cry. He licked at dry lips before forcing himself to look back towards her.

'Where does your pe…Fluffy like to go?' The little old lady looked at him blankly. 'We might be able to find her if we go to these places you see,' he said slowly, hoping she'd understand.

'My name is Heifer,' she suddenly announced. Dante was taken completely by surprised. Well…that had been…unexpected to say the least. He cleared his throat.

'Well thank you for telling me…' then it suddenly registered what she had called herself.

'You're called…no wait…that can't be right…'

'What can't be right?' The little old lady blinked up at him, smiling with a strange type of innocence.

'Did you say your name was Heifer?'

'Who are you calling a heifer? My name is Stuart!' Dante looked positively ill with confusion.

'Stuart?'

'_NO_!. Agatha! I am _Agatha_!' That sounded much more like it and Dante found himself suddenly able to relax. He had actually been concerned for Agatha's welfare for a second there. Hang on a second, _why_ was he concerned though? She was scary as heck! But all the same, she had kind of grown on him. He decided that it would be better if he tried to force himself to stop being scared and tried to treat the situation with a certain degree of amusement instead. _If that was even possible_, he thought suddenly.

'Okay so…Agatha…where does Fluffy like to go?' Agatha blinked up at him again, looking confused.

'Fluffy? What do you want to find _her_ for?' she asked blankly. Dante stood there, staring at her in nothing less than shock. _Just try to laugh, Dante, just try to laugh. Don't be scared, you can just push her over or just run away if it gets worse and worse, right? Just try to laugh. You okay now, Dante? Okay! Now! Laugh! _A high pitched whine escaped his throat. _You call that a laugh? How pathetic! No wonder why she thinks you're gay!_

'You said that you had lost her and you asked me to help you find her, remember?'

'Oh well. She's just come back.' Dante lowered his eyes and tried to look about. No matter where he peered, he saw no sign of a black toy poodle who might have gone by the delightful but utterly and depressingly unimaginative name of Fluffy. All he could see was a pizza box…that had what looked like…string…tied around the middle. His eyes followed the string up to where it was being firmly clenched in Agatha's hand.

And just like that, his heart went out to her. There was something so infinitesimally sad about the poor little old lady who was so lonely that she was forced to pretend that a smelly old pizza box was a dog that she could talk to and who understood her in return. He felt an overwhelming desire to make sure that she got back home, wherever that may be, safe and sound. At that point, he heard a voice cry out.

'Grandma! Grandma!'

A teenage boy came running towards them and skid to a halt between them. Agatha blinked benignly and picked up her pizza box, hugging it to her with a great deal of affection. The boy growled loudly at the demon hunter, who merely looked nonplussed.

'You know,' Dante said helpfully. 'You should really take better care of your grandma, kid. She could have been hurt!' The boy seemed to growl even more at this statement. Agatha decided to step in and hand over her own money's worth.

'He's gay you know,' she giggled, giving Dante what she imagined to be a saucy sexy flirtatious wink. Really it just looked as though a tick had entered her eye. 'He's _married _too, but isn't allowed to wear his wedding ring in public, poor chap.' If anything, this just seemed to scare the boy. He stopped growling and then stared at him with wide eyes. Dante looked at him mournfully.

_Please don't believe her…_he silently willed the boy, or tried to. _She has a pizza box for a toy poodle for God's sake! Please don't judge me, it was just so much easier to agree with her. _The boy blinked. Then Agatha started speaking again.

'He was going to help me find Fluffy you know. And he knows now that Fluffy is in equal and _not_ a _pet_!' She swung her handbag at the demon hunter, clouting him over the head much to his displeasure. The boy seemed to snap out of his trance and yelped, some sort of realization dawning in his eyes as he finally recognized the demon hunter.

'Grandma! Stop it! He was going to help you find Fluffy, remember? You don't hit nice people over the head!'

'Right you are, Bob!' Agatha agreed mildly. Dante found that a wide smile had somehow pasted itself onto his face.

'Bob? That was my grandmother's name!' This earned him an odd stare from the teenager.

'Actually, Dante, my name is _not_ Bob. It's Alex.' Dante was not at all perturbed by the fact that Alex had known his name without him even telling him. In fact, Dante had not even noticed this abnormality. No, he was too lost in disappointment that Alex and his grandmother did not share the same first name.

Even though his grandmother Bob had been quite a scary figure, she had had personality by the bucket-loads, unlike his grandfather Bertrump who appeared to have none whatsoever. The only thing that Dante was able to remember of Bertrump was that he looked like a grasshopper, was as thin as a stick insect and had the fashion sense of a cockroach that wanted to hide in the darkest recesses under the bed. As for his father's parents, well…they had only come to visit once. They looked more human than most of the other demons that Dante had encountered. Well, they stood upright on two legs, didn't have any part of an animal's anatomy involved in their hard shell-like bodies and they didn't look like some sort of insect. Like Sparda when he revealed his true form, they were enclosed in a hard black scale-like skin and had odd curved shaped horns protruding from their heads and mad red glowing eyes. But their breath wasn't stinky at all, like how most myths regarding demons would have you believe. Their breath smelt of cinnamon and their teeth were so well looked after that they were able to glow in the dark, delighting the two five year old boys.

No one really should have been surprised that Sparda had rebelled against his own kind to live in the human realm. After all, what else could you expect from the offspring of two human loving vegetarian devils? Not much, the other demons under Mundus' rule were forced to conclude. Not much at all. After all, their whole family had been nutcases.

Eva had been a little intimidated and nervous at first when Grandma Irk and Grandpa Slurg first entered the house. But she soon became more disposed towards them when they had shed their demonic names in favour of more normal human ones.

'Pass me the peas, Gretel, please?' Grandma Irk had requested of her mate. Slurg had happily obliged.

'I've never seen peas so green before! Back where we come from, the peas that we grow always turn out black, don't they Hansel?' Slurg had remarked to his wife. Eva was too enamoured of Sparda's parents to bother telling them about their gender-bending regarding their "human" names. They were pleasant devils, and made for great conversation and delighted the boys. That in turn, made her like them more and more as the visit went on and she even shed a tear when they left to go back to their own realm.

Sadly, after the pair had left for the underworld, none of them had been able to meet them again. They had allegedly passed away in peace after eating what could only be described as a blue carrot. Grandma Irk and Grandpa Slurg ad died doing what they loved best; cultivating demonic vegetables only to eat them when the produce started making plans to take over the world.

At this point, Dante's thoughts swam towards the memories of his father. The great knight, Sparda. He sighed softly and then smiled as his stomach was filled with a warm sensation. His father had always been like a strong guiding light, always there, always a comfortable presence that had so much to offer in the form of comfort, care, love, affection, pets and of course sword fighting classes. He had been so wise and gentle, yet capable of killing to protect the ones he loved. He was a true warrior, and a figure that Dante struggled to be like more and more as he aged. As a result, he was always hungering for any knowledge regarding his father.

It was also one of the main reasons why he hated Lucia's mother, Matier, who had promised to tell him something about his father but had failed to deliver. Even though he had known what his father did, he always loved to hear the events from someone else's mouth. He loved to listen to the warm tones used to describe his father's actions. He loved to see the respect shining in their eyes. He was so proud of his father in a way that words would never be able to describe.

His favourite image of his father was one where he stood alongside his most favourite person in the world. Eva, his mother.

His stomach clenched painfully at the thought of her. How he loved her, how he wished she was still here with him. He didn't like to hear other's speaking about her, the memories were sacred, they were only meant for him and him alone. In comparison to his father, people knew virtually next to nothing about the human woman that the demon had taken for a wife. To other people, she was a nobody, a nothing. She was someone who was not worth mentioning or even remembering. His mother did not deserve to be slighted in such a way.

They were not worthy of her memory anyway. The only one who was good enough for their mother was him. Not Vergil. Him. Vergil had never shown any closeness towards any of his other family members. No one knew really exactly how Vergil felt towards any of them and in a way this suited Dante just fine.

Then his mind cleared and he realized that there was a choking sensation in his throat, a heavy weight in his chest and a burning sensation that was pricking at his eyes mercilessly. He took a deep breath, hoping that it would calm him. He had never cried over the death of his mother. He had simply watched in mute terror as she was killed ruthlessly. If he hadn't cried then, then there was no need to start crying now. He wouldn't cry now, he couldn't cry now. It was better this way, not to let anyone see him cry, not to let anyone see his terrible weakness. If Vergil ever got to find out about the nightmares that he had at night then he would never hear the end of it. He forced himself into a state where he could not cry and could not feel unless he was pushed hard enough. Soon he felt just as how he had felt when he had been on the island of Vie du Marlie. Alone, numb, cold, dead. He'd been able to survive that way before, he could do it now. He had to.

But he wasn't fooling anyone. Alex and Agatha looked towards each other silently before Alex walked forwards and tentatively placed his hand on Dante's shoulder. The demon hunter did not react physically, but he felt that horrible closed off sensation return to his throat, choking him. Eva had always put her hand on that exact same spot whenever she had been trying to comfort him.

'I want her back,' he mumbled, without even realizing.

'I know you do, Dante. I know.'

'She didn't deserve to die the way she did,' he whispered, gritting his teeth, closing his eyes against the pain, as though hoping that it would help somehow.

'The world doesn't work that way. You know it doesn't.'

'Well it _should_!' He was being childish now and he knew it. He was half-expecting a reprimand for behaving in such a way but to his extreme surprise, it appeared as though none was forthcoming.

'It should work that way, in an ideal world. But this world is far from ideal. Which is why heroes, people like you, are needed,' Alex said softly, trying to soothe him. It was then that Dante was struck by an unsettling thought. The teenager wasn't really a teenager at all.

'Who are you?' he asked, feeling suddenly somewhat anxious. Alex smiled widely at the question, happy that Dante had been diverted away from his sadness, hoping that somehow they would not have to come back to it.

'Why Dante!' he hooted with laughter. 'Have you never heard of "A Christmas Carol"?'

'Yeah…why?' Dante frowned.

'Then you should be expecting what's coming now.' Alex looked at Dante with an air of expectation that made Dante feel acutely uncomfortable. Alex sighed, seeing that Dante still did not get it.

'Why Dante! I'm the ghost of Christmas to come!'


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 – Once in a great legend's city, Stood a hunter scratching his head**

Dante's previous sadness and anger at the world, and all his thoughts regarding his parents had all but disappeared in the face of such astonishing news. He stared at Alex and then at Agatha, staring at the pizza box for a very very long time before looking about nervously, as though hoping that some people would come leaping out of a bush and scream "SURPRISE! YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!" But no such thing happened. It really did appear as though Alex was being utterly serious, much to his discomfort. Dante licked at dry lips before frowning, looking visibly and utterly angered.

'You're taking the piss, right?' he asked earnestly, almost hopefully. Alex shook his head.

'Not at all.'

'Language, young man! LANGUAGE!' This outburst came from Agatha, who was stroking her pizza box. 'Fluffy hates bad language!' Dante ignored her and faced Alex, looking at him critically.

'Somehow I thought that the ghost of Christmas to come would have been a hell of a lot older,' he said, his tone of voice airing only too clearly his doubts. He earned himself an angry glare for all his pains.

'Oh shut up, ponce,' snapped Alex. Dante scratched his head, looking confused before pointing at Agatha.

'If _you're_ the ghost of Christmas to come, then what the hell is she?'

'Oh. She is the ghost of Christmas past.'

'So where's the ghost of Christmas present?' There was a pause before Dante groaned, clapping his hands to his eyes. 'Don't tell me. The _pizza box_ is the ghost of Christmas present?'

'No, dinkus,' snarled Alex. 'The pizza box has nothing to do with this. The ghost of Christmas present is Angela.'

'So where's this broad then?'

'She couldn't come.'

'Why?'

'She's on vacation. She went to the Bahamas for a well deserved break.'

'Okay. Fine. Whatever. But _why_ exactly are you guys here? What's all this got to do with _me_?' Alex sighed as though Dante's question had been exceedingly stupid. He gave him a pitying look.

'For someone who said that they had red "A Christmas Carol" you sure can't remember much at all, can you?' Dante growled in reply to this, feeling that the kid was trying to get the better of him somehow. He cast about wildly for something to say but then found he couldn't, yet the boy continued to look at him expectantly. He sighed, deciding to admit to the somewhat pitiful truth.

'The language was too hard.' Alex raised his eyebrows before shaking his head.

'Well anyway, the reason why we're here is to try and scare you shitless therefore helping you to see the error of your ways.' At this point, Alex stopped and looked up at the demon hunter, taking in the sight of his sword and his guns. Then his eyes slid over to look at Agatha. Well, he'd been able to survive talking to her without wetting his pants and Alex was lightly impressed as a result. 'But since that obviously won't work, we're just going to try and talk to you instead.'

'Huh?'

'This is going to be one hell of a long night,' Alex muttered under his breath, staring at Dante through narrowed eyes, who promptly decided that he was going to return the stare by rolling his eyes in a demented fashion and poking his tongue out.

'Hey look, I'm Gollum!' Then he choked. When Dante's eyes eventually stopped watering, he was ashamed to see that even Agatha was staring at him as though he was not all there. Then she petted her pizza box and called it to heel. He cleared his throat, dusted off his clothes and looked at Alex in a grave manner.

'Okay then. Talk to me. I don't like talking to the undead or spirits or whatever so you're pretty damn lucky that I haven't tried to shoot you already.'

'In short, Dante, you are acting like a sap and if you're not careful, you're going to turn into Reiko.' Dante gasped, his face one of horror.

'No! No! Anything but _that_!'

'Scary thought, isn't it?' Alex agreed, delighted to have found a way to scare Dante shitless after all. There was hope yet! Agatha also looked pleased but for a different reason entirely. She had just successfully toilet trained her pizza box.

'Good Fluffy! I knew you had it in you!' she crooned. Dante forced his attention back to Alex, who he now noticed to be hovering slightly above the ground. This irritated him. It wasn't _fair_ that they could fly without wings, without having to transform. He was insanely jealous. Alex broke into his thoughts by speaking yet again.

'You might be wondering why _Agatha_ is the ghost of Christmas past even though it's obvious that she is…'

'Nutso?'

'_Eccentric_ was the word that would have been more appropriate.' Alex saw no need to admit to the fact that when he was by himself, he called Agatha a lot worse. Grandkids these days…

'I still think nutso is better,' Dante murmured thoughtfully, as though Alex was actually interested in his opinion. The ghost, irritated that he had something in common with the demon hunter on one of his bad days, when his brain refused to work.

'You would! You're thick!' he snapped. Dante growled and snarled looking for all the world like a bad tempered wolf that had just been hit in the ass by a pigeon that had been knocked off course.

'Shut up! I can be serious when I want to be! Cretin!' Vergil would have been proud that Dante had been able to use that word in the right context. Well, the Vergil of old anyway…The thought of his brother suddenly filled him with an awful sense of sadness and longing, as well as anger, a dangerous combination if there ever was one. Alex sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose, clearly extremely frustrated at this point. Dante was unaware, lost again in his thoughts and memories.

'Come with me, Dante.' Alex said softly, wanting to cut him off before he probed any deeper into his mind. Dante nodded mutely before moving closer to him. Alex quickly took a hold of his hand, which caused Dante to yelp and pull his hand away.

'What the hell are you doing? I'm not a paedophile! You _look_ under eighteen!' he yelled.

'All I did was hold your _hand_!'

'What are you, gay or something? If a person walked past us and saw us holding hands what conclusions d'you think they'd reach, huh?' Alex rolled his eyes at Dante's outburst.

'You homophobes are so pathetic. I'm not gay but if I was, would you be scared?'

'Scared? _Scared?_' Dante positively bristled at the thought of being called anything less than brave. 'I'm not scared! You prat!'

'Nice to see that the English language of England has rubbed off on you.'

'Shut up!'

'Anyway, if you want to see the future, you'll have to take my hand.'

'No!'

'Would you rather hold my crotch instead or something?'

'…' Dante was shocked and repulsed into a stunned silence.

'Hand it is then, I assume.' Dante bowed his head as though in defeat and offered his hand to Alex, who took it without hesitation and warped off, much to Dante's surprise. A minute later, they were in what appeared to be the same street.

'Here we are, two years from your present!' Alex sang cheerfully. Dante found himself itching for his guns at that moment. Alex didn't seem to notice, or if he did then he simply couldn't have cared less. This did nothing to calm Dante's somewhat frayed temper but he forced himself to swallow his unreasonable rage. Alex started to walk forward, and, seeing nothing else that was better that he could be doing instead, Dante had no choice but to follow him.

'Isn't the ghost of Christmas past meant to talk to me first?'

'Well…we tried that but instead she got you talking about her dog instead.'

'All I saw was a pizza box.'

'You'll find it's easier to humour her. Trust me, you don't want to get on her bad side. Besides, she did do the job she was meant to do anyway. She reminded you of your family.'

'No, she just reminded me of grandmother Bob.'

'Exactly, she's family, right?'

'I only met her three times.'

'But because of her, you got to thinking about the rest of your family, right?'

'That's stupid. I think about my family all the time. I didn't _need_ any reminding,' Dante objected angrily. Alex paused and then looked sheepish.

'Oh…in that case, Agatha really is a good for nothing!' Dante didn't know what to say to this outrageously mean comment. He felt like rising to the little old lady's defence, seeing how he quite liked her despite all her madness. So, instead of keeping his silence like any other normal person would have done, he decided to stick his foot in it.

'That's not a nice thing to say.'

'I'm the ghost of Christmas to come. The ghosts before me were never nice. I'm just living up to the stereotype.'

'Oh. Quite. Where are we going anyway?' he asked at this point. Alex pointed at a little house. 'The house of extreme smallness? No one's been living in there since…since…well…since before I was born!' Dante spluttered, not sure how long exactly that actually was when he came to trying to figure it out for himself.

'Well…someone lives there _now_ though.' Alex peeked in through the window. Dante, feeling even more of a pervert, also followed suit, seeing no alternative but to do whatever Alex did. It felt kind of like playing "Follow the Leader" with Vergil when he was four. Vergil was always the leader, and once they climbed over the fence, went through town, went through the woods, the swamp and then back through the swamp, the woods, the town centre and back over the fence and through the back garden and then finally, back home. Vergil had been totally immaculate in his appearance but poor Dante had looked as though he had spent the entire afternoon swimming through the back of a garbage dumpster.

Eva had not been happy to say the least. With her in his mind, he looked through the window and gasped at the sight that befell him.

'**_MOM?_**?' Alex slapped him over the head.

'No! You idiot! That's Trish. One would think that you would be able to tell the difference by now!'

'Well it's difficult sometimes,' Dante whimpered, his eyes watering from the overly hard smack. 'Mom used to dress like that from time to time. Then Dad would get pleased and they'd run upstairs. Sometimes Mom even had a whip. I never really understood why Dad would get all happy though. I'd be terrified!'

Alex had no idea what to say to this. All he knew was that he was now totally and utterly traumatized and that he wanted to take out his brain, put it in the dishwasher and get those terrible terrible thoughts and memories out of his mind.

For a while, Dante watched Trish watch the TV. Then something finally occurred to him.

'Why is Trish in the house of extreme smallness? Shouldn't she be living with me?' Alex looked pleased that Dante had noticed something by himself without any aid to speak of whatsoever.

'Well Dante,' he began in unctuous tones. 'This is what will happen in the next two years if you don't get your act together. Trish will become so annoyed with you and the way how you try to kill anyone who says the littlest thing that is _not_ complimentary to their own family, to your family or even the homeless bugger at Bog's End's family.'

'Like Arson.'

'You see? And he has a good reason for hating his mother. Eventually no one will want to drop by for a visit. Trish loves her friends. She adores them. Yet you'll deprive her of one of her only joys. She'll stay by your side faithfully but then she'll eventually turn miserable because of your temper and growing intolerance of other people. Then she will be more than pleased to leave you.'

'Me? Intolerant? That doesn't sound like me at _all_.'

'Who do you dislike at the moment? I guarantee there's a quality that you will dislike with everything that you have about one of your friends. Go on, tell me!'

'You talk so much shit! I'm perfectly happy with them!' Dante hissed under his breath, his aquamarine eyes narrowing.

'And you say I'm the one talking shit? You are a liar.'

'Am not!' Alex was about to respond with the age old come back, but he stopped and told himself that childish behaviour was below his station, that he was not about to engage in a stupid fight with Dante that had no end until Dante got tired. And he knew that Dante could be as stubborn as a mule when he wanted to be. It really wasn't worth the trouble. Instead, he decided to try and come back with a more adult approach.

'Then tell me. One quality. That's all I ask. One quality about each of your friends.' Alex looked him straight in the eye, the expression on his face questioning and expectant. Dante hesitated under the close scrutiny before taking a deep breath.

'Okay. Well, let's first start with Arson…if…if that is okay with you?' Alex nodded his head in confirmation. Dante took another deep breath as though bracing himself.

'He goes nothing!' he bellowed. And then he fell silent, his expression frozen into one of defiance. Alex cleared his throat and frowned when he saw that this action evoked no response whatsoever.

'Any time you are ready, Dante,' he prompted. He wondered idly whether he should perhaps give the demon hunter a mighty poke in between his ribs in order to get him moving again. At that point, Dante jerkily moved his head so then he was staring directly at the ghost. His eyes looked unfocused and he looked somewhat terrified about the whole business.

'Okay,' he merely said again. Alex smiled and waited. When a whole minute had passed and it had become obvious that the demon hunter was not making any move to speak, the ghost gave vent to a low annoyed growl and put on his most grown-up voice, which made him sound like a teacher that would have no qualms about murdering any pupil if they so much as dared to get any answer wrong to any question.

'I'd like to get an answer sometime before the next minute if you don't mind, Dante,' the ghost snarled, suggesting that even if Dante had minded he would not be able to do anything about it. His voice suggested that Dante did not have the even the slightest choice in the matter, but could only do as had been asked of him. Dante tried again to stall for time.

'Just the one quality, right?'

'That's right, Dante. Unless you have more than just one thing to say.' Dante needed no second bidding and Alex realized with a sudden jolt as to why Dante had been trying so hard to stall for time. The reason was one that startled him badly, almost to the point where he thought that he might actually faint. Dante had been stalling simply because he was trying to decide which quality to pick out of so _many_! He gulped and watched Dante with a type of horrified fascination.

'I can't stand Arson because of the fact that he's so _whiny_! It's like "Oh noes! I have no strawberries! What do I dooooooooooo!" and if he doesn't get what he wants then he goes all mardy and moody and sulky and refuses to talk to anyone.'

'So…what was it that he started sulking over?'

'Well, when his date stood him up. When his date turned out to be a man. When his date broke up with him on the first date. When he failed an exam.'

'Dante, that's not him sulking. That's called being ashamed. Don't you see that he just wants to make you pleased?'

'…eh?'

'Never mind. Do carry on.'

'What's with the hyperness? Actually, I don't mind the hyperness when I'm not the one who's being victimized.' Dante started chortling at some memory known only to himself. Evidently, it was something that was extremely funny for Dante dedicated a full twenty minutes to his hearty laughter. Alex had begun to suspect that the demon hunter had turned totally and utterly insane, and that there was no hope of him regaining his mind any time soon before the 1st of January. In fact, he was quite hopeful that this would be the case; if it was true then it meant that he could go home early and could relax instead of spending a long and tedious night with this moron who insisted on wearing red leather. But it was not to be. Alex breathed out a sad sigh as Dante calmed down enough to carry on with his long rant.

'Because I'm going in alphabetical order, next is Jester. He makes me want to gouge my eyes out.'

'You consider him a friend?'

'No, but I need to get this burden off my chest now that I have the opportunity.'

'Oh right. Fair enough. I guess…' Alex said, sounding totally unconvinced about the matter. Dante resumed his ranting, the look on his face one of extreme happiness.

'Jester makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon because of his nose, which _could_ eventually gouge out my eyes _for_ me. I also can't stand his disgusting voice. It's even shriller and more screechy than a woman who's having a good time sleeping with me!' Alex said nothing to this arrogant comment but merely shook his head slowly out of sheer bemusement. 'Another thing about Jester is his love for pissing me off. I've never been so glad as when I heard that Lady killed the crusty old bastard. Only my father carries off the colour purple with some sort of style and even _that_ style is highly questionable. Mom didn't seem to have liked it anyway so it _must_ have been bad. But I thought it was pretty cool.' Dante showed no sign of stopping soon. Alex sighed and watched him with a bleak expression on his face.

'And you said that you were tolerant, Dante?'

'Jester's a bad guy. I'm allowed to hate his guts. I can be as intolerant of him as I want!'

'Fair enough. Please, do continue. I want so much to hear what else you think,' said Alex, sounding for all the world as though he would rather jump off a plane while strapped to an elephant, neither of them having a parachute to speak of. And before you ask, the elephant is not Dumbo. Dante however, did _not_ pick up on Alex's tone of voice and continued, his eyes shining with enthusiasm, a wide happy grin on his face which made Alex want to puke.

'Next on my list is Reiko.'

'I thought you said you were going to do this in alphabetical order?' Alex asked, feeling close to exhaustion. Dante fell silent before shaking his head.

'Yeah…but that didn't work out very well at all.'

'I…I see,' Alex said weakly, though he really couldn't understand Dante's point at all. However, he had come to adopting the same technique he used in dealing with his grandmother. Agree. Humour them. It was just _so_ much easier that way. With this thought in mind, he settled back, leaning against the wall of the house of extreme smallness and prepared himself to listen to Dante's highly odd and disturbing thoughts, which would probably give him nightmares for the rest of this year and the next. He thought longingly of Anmgela. Why didn't _he_ ask for a holiday first? Yet his was the most important job when it came down to the crunch, they couldn't just get anyone to be the ghost of Christmas to come after all! Dante had begun speaking again, passionately, loudly.

'I don't understand why _he_ has to be the broody one. And I don't understand why he has to be so bloody melodramatic all the time! Sure he's a vampire and sure he's meant to have a dark character but wouldn't it be refreshing if there was a _cheerful_ vampire?'

'Well Rayne-'

'Is an idiot. Let's not talk about him.'

'Fair enough.'

'Does Reiko _have_ to overdo the whole dark persona and the whole broody sad thing? And even worse is the fact that when he does _anything_ with a sad _look_ on his face, he makes everyone weepy and makes everyone want to hug him! What about _me_? Why don't _I_ get hugged? I can be broody _too_ you know!' Al;ex said nothing but almost choked at Dante's next words. 'These OCs, these original characters. They keep trying to steal the show. I hate them all, _hate_ them all! I'll make them pay!' Alex was obviously quite upset by these words, being an original character himself and thus being a staunch supporter of the OCs that had come to visit the Devil May Cry fandom.

'Well, somebody must love them,' he said amicably. Dante merely sneered in reply.

'Well they should be shot too!' he growled murderously. Alex gave him a cold glare in response, angered.

'The writer of this story itself is a staunch OC supporter, you know. As a result, she could have you killed off at any moment!'

'She would never do _that_,' Dante boasted, entirely at ease and confident of his own greatness. Alex narrowed his eyes and smirked, looking for all the world like the dirty smelly stray cat that had finally caught the nice kind lonely lady's pet yellow canary. And had then proceeded to eat it without the smallest shred of regret or guilt. Dante looked at him uncertainly. 'What is it?'

'Let's just say that she's already killed you in one fic and your place of male protagonist has been stolen away.' Alex delivered his message with an inordinate amount of glee. Dante had the grace to look utterly horrified. That is, he had no grace at all when in the face of bad news.

'What? How could this have happened?'

'Well one day she was taking a shower and…'

'Never mind. More importantly, _who_ is it that has stolen my leading role?' Dante asked, his eyes filled with worry and stress. _If it is Vergil, I shall have to kill myself. _

'I cannot bear to tell you, Dante,' Alex lied, hanging his head so then he could hide his delighted smile. Dante's lip trembled.

'I insist.'

'Fine…' Alex said softly before hesitating, drawing out the painful dread inspiring silence. 'It's…'

'Yes?'

'It's…It's your father!' Dramatic music began to play as Dante fell to his knee and screamed.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' Alex massaged the bridge of his nose again, angered by the implementation of the overused but still very famous scene. The dramatic music came to an abrupt halt as the ghost slapped the hunter upside the head with a newpaper. No need to tell Dante that a dog had peed on it only a second earlier.

'Calm down!' Dante obediently got up and sniffled before the first traces of a smile began to tentatively make their appearance.

'Okay,' he said before his full thoughts took shape.

_At least he didn't say Vergil…_

'Oh and Vergil is the protagonist in a different fic altogether.'

'GAH!' Dante clapped his hands to his mouth as though he was going to be sick before he glared at Alex in annoyance. 'Did you _have_ to tell me that?'

'Of course. I'm the ghost of Christmas to come. We're _meant_ to be as mean as possible. It's our _job_.'

'Then Vergil would be perfect at it,' Dante grumbled under his breath. Seeing the extremely angered stare that the demon hunter was aiming at him, Alex thought it would be prudent and wise if he got back on track and tried to further to plot. Dante also seemed to think the same, for he made a visible effort to calm himself.

'Why exactly did you ask me to list bad qualities about my friends?' he asked.

'Well…'

'Can I rant about two more people?' Dante asked eagerly, forgetting all about plot developments.

'Well…' Alex sighed, about to refuse when Dante took matters into his own hands.

'Good!' he exclaimed with glee. 'The next person I shall rant about now is none other than Lucia. Is she blind? Can't she see that as much as I like her as a person, I _hate _her? She is a brilliant fighter, certainly, and her accent _does_ have a certain charm, so does her arse but really, that's about it. Her hairstyle scares me, her horrible lipstick that doesn't match her skin tone also gives me the heebie-jeebies and even worse is the fact that when she hugs me, it's like being sat on by a killer whale! I mean, hugs are okay when they're done _normally_ but her hugs? She tries to suffocate me! What kind of normal behaviour is _that_?' Alex made a mental note to get in touch with this Lucia. Who knew, maybe Lucia was hiding her hate for Dante with affection. Maybe her trying to suffocate Dante with hugs was really a clever way of trying to kill him, a plan inspired by a lot of secret hate and resentment that he didn't feel the same way about her as she did for him. Then Alex was struck by a terrible thought. That he might have to endure more and more of this, and that now that he had got Dante started, that he would never ever stop.

Dante looked at Alex at that point as though begging for some kind of sympathy. Alex just sat there, frozen with horror at the thought that he would have to try and live through more of Dante's inane prattling. It almost made him feel sick and if he wasn't a ghost, he was sure that he would have heaved a couple of times. But no…it was simply not the done thing. Neither was throwing bricks come to think of it. Yet another possibility that had been destroyed. Dante mistook his look of illness for one that understood how he felt when dealing with the overly friendly devil.

'My next rant is directed at Vergil. Now, being half a devil and all I'm bisexual but as you know, I prefer ladies any day, right? But if there's a good looking guy…well…but I'd never _never_ get into any shit with my brother. I mean, he's _evil_! Look at the way he keeps eating those gingerbread men! It's horrible, it's cruel! I'd never do anything with a guy like that and I'm trying to let the whole world know! But then he goes around and spoils it by acting so…so…_vain_…as if he wants to _look_ good. And he doesn't meet many other people apart from Trish and myself. Trish looks like Mom so she's off-limits, even to _him_. But the thing is, why does he want to look good for? Does he want to look good for _me_ or something? So it's not helping to stop the flow of the incest fics at _all_…'

'You do realize that you've hurt half of the members of this fandom now, right?'

'Yeah well…'

'And because of Vergil's appearance in Devil May Cry 3, you have more fans than you ever did before, right?'

'I guess…'

'And because of the vague possibility that you and your twin share a special "bond" more and more people have been coming to join the fandom, right?'

At this point, Dante began to think of changing his morals. Hey, publicity was publicity and who didn't want that? Well…lots of people sure. Besides if he did indulge himself in this whole yaoi bond thing, maybe he'd be able to persuade Vergil to stop terrorizing the poor men of gingerdom.

'Are you quite finished now, Dante?' Alex asked, his tone annoyed and bored.

'Yes,' replied Dante, subdued.

'Good. The point that I was making, and the point that you have just _proved_ for me is that you have already become hopelessly intolerant of people and this will only continue to grow and grow until you end up pushing everyone away from you. Yes, even Trish. Do you see what you must do?'

'Yes!' Dante cried, much to Alex's relief. This was short-lived. 'Commit incest!'

'**_NO YOU DIMWIT_**!' Alex roared. 'Get your ass back in there and be kind and caring and be a little more tolerant of people and their faults! After all, it's not as though you don't have faults of your own you know.'

It soon transpired that this was exactly the wrong thing to say to anyone who was of the Sparda bloodline. Dante immediately became apoplectic with rage, his eyes bulging, his head looking as though it was about to explode.

'Me! Faults! I have no faults! I am Dante, Son of Sparda, The Legendary Dark Knight! I can do no wrong and I am wonderful in every way! I am bold! I am honourable! I am courageous! I don't do drugs and I don't smoke and I change my underwear everyday! I am Dante the Man! Dante the Magnificent! Dante the Righteous! Dante the Hygienic!'

'Turning your boxers inside out does not count as changing them.'

'What do _you_ know, Buttmunch?' Dante snapped. Alex raised his hands in surrender.

'Fine fine, do whatever you want! Die alone and miserable for all I care!'

'Okay!' Dante sang. And without another word, Alex teleported Dante back to his present, but because they had been gone for such a long time, it was already Christmas Day. Dante didn't care though, all that mattered was that he was right outside his house, where Trish was waiting anxiously. Alex flipped him off and disappeared, pissed off and irritated. It was time to go home and get tanked on beers while watching the TV.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 – Ding Dong! Merrily with Pies!**

As soon as Dante stepped inside and slammed the door close on the neighbour's cat's tail, Trish bounded out to meet him joyfully.

'Dante! I'm so glad you're back! I was getting worried about you!'

'Yes. And now we can finally open the presents,' Lady announced, depositing a small box on Vergil's lap. Vergil blinked in bewilderment before grinning and ripping it open. He looked confused as he pulled out a dildo.

'It's something to replace the stick that's always up your ass,' Lady cackled, her eyes shining with malicious glee, giving her a rather maniacal look. Vergil said nothing and handed her a parcel. Lady blinked as she carefully unwrapped the present, and screamed with horror.

'What's wrong, human,' Vergil asked smoothly, looking smug. 'Don't like your present? I thought you'd like it, considering your fashion sense and your penchant for revealing yourself quite happily.' Lady glared daggers at him. It was a playboy bunny outfit. Reiko decided to try and break the tension by giving Lady his present to her. Inside it, there was a jewellery box, which in turn contained a necklace. For his pains, he got a kiss from her, which left him crying with fear into his present from Trish, a large black T-shirt with a livid yellow smiling face on it. Vergil, jealous as ever, kicked Reiko in the groin and claimed it was his Christmas present. Reiko decided to do one better and tried to wrench at what Dante referred to as Vergil's "woo-woos". Both men were in pain for the rest of the night. Then Reiko handed Vergil his real present, the least expensive present he had bought for anybody, ever. It was a token of his extreme dislike for the blue clad twin. It was a box of condoms.

'In case you _ever_ get lucky,' Reiko said smugly, inferring that Vergil was still a virgin. At that point, Lucia gave them both their presents, a year old stale baguette each. The two promptly started beating each other over the head with their improvised swords.

As for Arson, he had been given strawberries from everyone and had given strawberries _to_ everyone.

Dante gave Vergil a kiss on the cheek after fluttering his eyelashes in what he hopes was a demure manner and in return gained partial deafness as Vergil shrieked in alarm down his ears.

An hour passed of idle chatter before the group broke off on their own, admiring their spoils. Arson was indeed pleased, having received six containers of fresh strawberries for Christmas. Lady was a more than a little less than pleased, Dante having presented her with a crotch guard, saying that she had balls and was like a man and therefore she had to protect her family jewels. She was happy with Trish's present, which had been a pair of strappy shoes for if she went out in the evenings. Reiko's present was beautiful, and had been thoughtful, a jewel hanging from the chain that changed colour depending on how the light hit it, either turning blue or red, setting off either eye nicely. The gift vouchers that Lucia had presented her with had been quite a bonus, especially considering what the rest of Lucia's presents had entailed. Arson's present was already in her stomach, safe and sound. But the worst present by far was Vergil's and she showed her displeasure by setting it alight and chucking it at him.

After Vergil had put out the flames from his coat, he stopped to admire his own spoils. He still wasn't sure what exactly Lady's present was used for or what it did. All he knew was that it was a horrible obscene shape and that he would give it to Lucia when Lady wasn't looking. Dante's present had been surprisingly good, having received a white skull for Christmas, something to put in his library back at his place. It had also been obvious that Trish had been watching too much Harry Potter lately, for she had knitted him a jumper. It was too tight and it was lumpy but Vergil was pleased all the same. It was blue. He might never wear it but it was blue. Lucia's present had been quite…unusual but amusing. He had never guessed that bread could be such a dangerous weapon. It would have to go into his armoury when he got back. The strawberries were also nice, but he wished that they could have been blue instead but you couldn't have everything. And as for Reiko's present, well, that had been thrown in the bin almost as soon as he had got it.

Dante was also a little concerned with what Trish had been watching on TV lately, for he had also received a badly knitted jumper, that wasn't even red. It looked more orange. But the thought was nice and he couldn't be bothered to tell Trish otherwise. Part of his new thing of being tolerant of people. Dante had also received a little book of useless pick up lines from Lady, which had sent him in a rage. He didn't need a _book_ to tell him how to get chicks to like him. Then he flicked through the book and realized that half of the pick up lines he used were actually included, much to his shock and shame. Lucia had given him a necklace of garlic cloves, which he thought would be quite useful in trying to get rid of Reiko. He threw it at him and frowned when Reiko glared at him, completely unaffected. Reiko. His present had been odd too. Why had he given him cologne? But Vergil's present had also been rather mean, especially after he had given him a skull. Vergil had presented him with a bag filled with poo, and Vergil had claimed that it represented everything that Dante was. He had then told everyone that if they wanted to know what Dante was all about, all the had to do was stare at the bag.

Everyone had been grossed out to say the least.

Trish had also received a necklace of garlic, and she had wondered briefly whether she should chance cooking with it. Reiko had also given her a bracelet, and he had been rewarded with a hug accordingly, which had made the vampire oddly weepy. She had also received clothes from Vergil, but there was something wrong with them. They had sleeves. They had no way of showing her cleavage. The trousers were too baggy…Vergil really had no idea about her fashion sense and the thought never occurred to her that maybe he had been trying to give her sensible clothes for once in her life. Dante had bought Trish a photo frame, which she had been immensely happy about, loving photos with a passion. Lady had also had the same idea but had done one better, getting her a photo album instead, much to Dante's abject humiliation. Bested by a girl, _again_.

Lucia was happily sitting and reading through the book that Lady had given her, entitled "The Little Book of Bunny Suicides". Beside her lay her presents, a shaver from Trish, instant noodles from Dante, a beret from Reiko, strawberries from Arson and of course, a wonderful memory of what Vergil had given her. Vergil hadn't known that Lucia was going to be there so as a result hadn't bought her anything. Instead he had given her a little peck on the cheek. And then the dildo. The kiss was much more to her liking, and she smiled fondly as she thought of him again. It looked as though she had a new crush…

Reiko was somewhat put out as he poked at the strawberries with a finger, wondering how on earth he was meant to enjoy them when he was a vampire and couldn't taste anything but blood. His Christmas present from Vergil had been less than satisfactory, having been kicked in the groin one too many times and having been beaten over the head til he was black and blue. He started to punch the present that Lady had bought him. It wasn't because he was upset with it, but because that was what he was meant to do. After all, what else was a stress ball for if not to punch and kick and squeeze it? He eyed the rest of his presents balefully. A stale baguette from Lucia, which he would carry with him always, in case he ever lost his true weapon. It would be a handy back up if nothing else. Trish had forced him to wear the T-shirt he had been given by her, the lurid yellow face appearing to leer up at him. Dante's present really hadn't been a present at all, but had actually been permission. To bite Trish if he got hungry. Reiko was not impressed with his present turn out to say the least.

After various other insults had been swapped and exchanged, and after all the snacks and beer had finally been finished, they began to calm down and Trish switched on the TV, only to find that there was some sort of insipid family film on. Something about Laia and Knit. Or was it Milo and Bitch? Dante couldn't remember but he enjoyed himself all the same, as did the others, cooing at all the right bits, laughing at the correct moments. At one point, Reiko burst into hysterical tears and had to be taken to a separate room by Trish until he had calmed down enough. Even Vergil was able to have some fun with it as he dreamed of all the glorious fun he would have if he had Stitch as a pet.

It might have been a bizarre day but it had been a good one, one of the best.

Dante realized at that point that he had been so pathetically foolish. He had been searching for a way to get his family back for such a long time, never realizing that there was one right under his nose.

"_It may be broken, but it's still good."_

They may annoy him, but he loved them all the same.

He smiled.

He wouldn't want it anyway else.

_**Emd**_

_**I wish you all a very very Happy New Year and I hope you all had a brilliant Christmas**_


End file.
